Punishment vs. Discipline: Why parents should teach rather than punish

Last week I tried to convince you that spanking isn't the answer. Corporal punishment has long been a cultural norm and it's not an easy thing to just stop, especially if you don't know what to replace it with. So what is the answer? The short answer is non-violent discipline. The long answer depends on what you want for your child.

When my husband and I were pregnant, we took Alfie Kohn's challenge and thought through long-term goals for our daughter. We came up with a respectable list of characteristics that we hope she'll embody someday: considerate, empathetic, fulfilled, curious, self-aware, confident, loving, able to receive love, and able to find rest.

I think our list describes an overall balanced and good person. But when it comes to children, society often defines good as quiet and obedient.

Think about the last time a stranger or friend complimented the goodness of your child. It probably sounded something like, "What a good girl...she hardly made a peep this whole plane ride!" These silent, or not so silent, cultural messages pressure parents to discipline for the short term (to produce an obedient child who doesn't inconvenience us) rather than the long term (to empower a child to build good character).

The question then is whether or not our parenting paradigm is consistent with our long term goals for our children.

I think about this all the time. Is my methodology of discipline going to help my daughter be considerate and confident? Will the way I responded to her display of big emotions help her to be self-aware and empathetic? Will my words of instruction empower her to be the best version of herself?

Although I don't believe there's such a thing as one-size-fits-all parenting, I'd argue that stripping the punitive punishment from our parenting paradigm is the best way to reach our long term goals.

It's easy to be reactive in the moment because punishment can be effective in the short term; but it's up to us as parents to take the long road, the hard road, and help our children become people with good character.

photo credit: TRF_Mr_Hyde via photopin cc
 

 

What's wrong with punishment?

 

Punishment is a parent-imposed consequence intending to eliminate a behavior using pain (emotional or physical). It includes tactics such as spanking, yelling, and time-outs.

 

Since punishment is an unnatural consequence, children struggle to internalize the reasons to behave appropriately. The child's incentive to behave becomes avoiding punishment rather than inwardly desiring to do the right thing.

Punishment doesn't give children the tools to self-regulate and manage emotions; it often makes children feel shame and anger which leads them to act out more (and get punished more!). This parenting paradigm expects children to act like adults, but doesn't treat them like adults (I don't remember a time when my spouse gave me a time-out).

While learning opportunities are plentiful as we engage the world, punishment directs the focus on bad behavior instead of problem solving. Children may learn that misbehaving gets their parents attention because a lot of energy is placed in punishing and power struggles.

Punishment can undermine the bond between a parent and child as parents become the bearer of unpleasant experiences. I'm not insisting you must be your child's friend (though I don't find it a bad idea), but I am insisting that children learn best through positive experiences.

If punishment isn't the answer, what is?

American society has convinced us that the words "discipline" and "punishment" are interchangeable, but at it's core, "discipline" simply means "to teach."

A parent's role is guiding their children back to the path, rather than penalizing them for losing their way.  It's helping them see the natural consequences and empowering them to think outside of themselves. It's filling their tool boxes with life skills instead of leaving them to sort through big emotions alone.

photo credit: Kevin Conor Keller via photopin cc

A respectful and helpful form of guidance is positive discipline which seeks to set boundaries while practicing empathy and recognizing age appropriate behavior. Parents still have authority, but understand that children learn over time and will make mistakes. Positive discipline respects a child's feelings, questions, and willful initiative.

Positive discipline is characterized by maintaining a close connection with your child even when standing firm on boundaries and using empathy with every instance of correction.

 What does positive discipline look like?

Positive discipline hinges on the following 5 concepts from Jane Nelsen:

1. Is it kind and firm at the same time? (Respectful and encouraging)
2. Does it help children feel a sense of belonging and significance? (Connection)
3. Is it effective long-term? (Punishment works short term, but has negative long-term results.)
4. Does it teach valuable social and life skills for good character? (Respect, concern for others, problem-solving, accountability, contribution, cooperation) 
5. Does it invite children to discover how capable they are and to use their personal power in constructive ways?

Wondering what it looks like in real life? I honestly couldn't write it any better than this example so I'm not going to try.

It's not an easy road. It takes a lot of effort. It takes a lot of patience. It takes being ok with your child expressing big feelings. It takes allowing your child to be an "inconvenience."

I don't know about you, but I don't want my kid to behave because she fears some unnatural consequence. I want her to make the right choice because she understands how it affects her and those around her. And that kind of mature introspection develops best in a nurturing and respectful environment.


Do you want to know more about implementing positive discipline? Here are some great resources to help you on your journey:
http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/discipline
http://www.positive-parents.org/
http://www.positiveparentingconnection.net/